Losing Your Job in Your Twenties

My first job was everything I had hoped it would be. For weeks leading up to the end of the year, I had been asked, "Do you know where you'll be next year?" Everyone was curious about who would be returning, and everyone had their opinions about what would happen. As a covid hire, my future was uncertain. Even with the constant questions, I never let myself think of the possibility that I wouldn't be back. That school was my world.

On the last day, I was filled with so many mixed emotions. After working so hard all year, I was relieved to finally have time off. I was sad to leave students I had grown so attached to. I was anxious and still unsure of my future. To save the anonymity of everyone involved, let's just say I left that day with a broken heart and crushed dreams. Now that might sound dramatic, but that's how I felt. My happy world was crumbling around me.

I remember leaving the principal's office and holding it all in so I could get my things and go. I said my goodbyes and told my colleagues I still didn't know about the following year. I faked a smile as I walked out of the building. It wasn't until I was safely in the car with my mom that I let it out. The tears exploded out of me. I cried so hard I felt like I couldn't breathe. I had never felt pain like that before. I knew I had to pick myself up and get it together because I was going to the LIRR to celebrate my best friend's birthday in the city. However bad I felt, I couldn't let it interfere with her night. So I didn't tell her. On the inside, I felt like my heart was physically broken, but all anyone saw on the outside was the huge smile plastered on my face. I decided that night that I had to leave Long Island.

The next few days were a dark blurred depression. I didn't eat. I didn't speak. I didn't watch tv or go on my phone. I slept for hours. I spent all day in my room with the door closed. I was no longer in pain; I was numb. All I did for days was think. I couldn't believe how badly the situation had been handled. How someone who had known me since I was 12 could show me such a lack of respect. How embarrassed I felt. How everything I had done had been for nothing. I wondered why I always took on more responsibility when it wasn't required of me. The people staying didn't do any more than what was in their job description, and they were asked back, so why wasn't I? None of it made sense to me. The numbness was accompanied by emptiness. My dream since elementary school was to work at that school. I had lost my dream. That was the one thought that made me cry. My dream died. I would cry so hard I'd hyperventilate. I messed it all up. I felt worthless. I felt like a failure. I felt every negative emotion possible, and I blamed myself.

It took time, but slowly the pain faded. It took much longer for the emptiness to fade. I couldn't have gotten through it without my family. Despite my resistance, they picked me back up. They made me feel like I could breathe again. My parents helped me create a plan of action. I would move into the city and find a job there. As scary as it sounded, I knew it was right for me at that moment. I didn't want to hear it then, but my mom kept telling me everything happens for a reason. I was never going to leave that school on my own, but my place at this time in my life was New York City. That school gave me the push I needed.

Last month, June 25th, was the anniversary of that terrible day. It brought up a lot of feelings that I had been pushing down since that day in 2021. It still hurts to think about it. I wonder if I'll ever go back there. I wonder what I would say to those people, none of which kept in touch or asked how I was doing. Only one person reached out to me this year to check in; she will always hold a special place in my heart. Now and then, I look at the school's Instagram, hoping I'll see my favorite student. Eventually, I plan to go back to Long Island. My mom says there are so many other places to work, but my dream is still alive somewhere deep in my mind. I still hope to end up back there one day.